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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24943807">gristle and bone</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/acceptabletwig/pseuds/acceptabletwig'>acceptabletwig</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Last of Us</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Game</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 08:03:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,556</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24943807</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/acceptabletwig/pseuds/acceptabletwig</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“You should be really fucking sorry,” Dina says quietly.<br/>Ellie is a bundle of raw nerve endings, her lips forming the beginning of words but not fully shaping them.<br/>“I know,” Ellie breathes out.</p><p>or</p><p>Ellie returns to Jackson to find solace in whatever scraps of Dina or JJ she can find.<br/>Dina wrestles with the depths of her anger and her need to understand that Ellie is real.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dina &amp; Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Ellie &amp; Joel (The Last of Us)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>185</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1249</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Gracefully beta'd by onlytime1 and frogharpy on Tumblr.<br/>My Tumblr user: respectablesentiment</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Ellie approaches the gate, emerging from the trees and stumbling past the stumps she’s not sure if she’ll be shot on sight or not. She is covered in dried blood and dirt, clearly injured - but the torn sleeve and the bite mark peeking out from her shoulder would be cause enough on a good day to put her down.</p><p>“We got a straggler,” she hears from the watchtower. She doesn’t lift her head, stopped about ten metres from the gate.</p><p>She supposes they only see the bite when they come out. Her eyes flicking up as she watches two guards yell back and forth until Maria emerges.</p><p>“It’s fine, she’s immune,” Maria tells them to their disbelief. “Ellie,” Maria says carefully as she approaches Ellie, leaning down a bit to look into Ellie’s lowered eyes. “Are you okay?”</p><p>Ellie doesn’t respond, unmoving as Maria hugs her.  </p><p>“I can vouch for her,” Maria bites back at them, “Lower your weapons.”</p><p>At some point Ellie is ushered forward, Maria guiding her with one arm around Ellie’s shoulders and the other held up trying to calm others down.</p><p>“Ellie, let’s get you to the clinic,” she murmurs, eyes glancing around.</p><p>“No, I need to see Dina,” Ellie insists, her voice brittle and hoarse.</p><p>“You should get checked out before you bother that girl,” Maria tells her.</p><p>“No,” Ellie says, eyes flashing up to meet Maria’s.</p><p>“Okay, whatever you want,” Maria tells her as they continue through the town.<br/>
--</p><p>Maria leads her to a small two-story house, not far from where Ellie used to live. There is a small fence that Maria holds open for her, as she leads her up to the house. They were followed by a crowd that stops at the gate.</p><p>Ellie falters in the yard, halfway to the door.</p><p>Maria knocks for her, and then walks back toward the gate.</p><p>It takes a moment, but Dina emerges. She’s beautiful, her hair longer, several strands framing her face, fallen from her ponytail.</p><p>Dina’s eyes narrow when she sees Ellie.</p><p>“Fuck you,” Dina spits out, breathing heavily. She falters, her hands clench and unclench, unsure and feeling.</p><p>Ellie drops to her knees, her hands trembling at her sides.</p><p>Dina’s eyes are restless, scanning every visible inch of the half-starved girl in front of her. She looks up dangerously at the town members who linger at the fence line, most of their guns are lowered but their fingers still hover too close to the trigger for comfort.</p><p>“She’s immune, you don’t have to worry about her turning,” Maria continues to argue, clearly placing herself between the crowd and Ellie.</p><p>Dina presses her lips together, forcing herself to take a calming breath while her heart feels like it’s shattered in her chest. “Please leave,” she manages to get out, eyes on the crowd behind Ellie.</p><p>The crowd begins to disperse, Dina watches a rattling breath eerily like a sob wrack through Ellie’s body. Ellie slowly begins to struggle to her feet, her head tucked so far down her chin does not move from her chest as she turns away from Dina and walks toward the gate.</p><p>“Not you, Ell,” Dina says warningly. Ellie stops but does not turn back.</p><p>Dina slowly takes another breath, turning her back on Ellie and entering her home with the door open behind her. “Come on,” she calls over her shoulder as she makes her way to the kitchen to retrieve her first aid kit.</p><p>When she returns she sees Ellie lingering in the doorway, her hands fidgeting at her sides. She sees it then. Her left hand. Stumps bloodied and painful. Dina closes her eyes and takes another deep steadying breath.</p><p>“Follow me.” Dina leads her to the bathroom, taking them through the lounge room on the way. Dina is unsure if Ellie notices the photo frame of a younger and brighter Ellie with Joel at the stables in the corner, but she knows Ellie wouldn’t have said anything if she had.</p><p>They enter the bathroom, Dina gesturing for Ellie to lean back on the counter but Ellie is either too out of it or too afraid to look at Dina so the gesture goes over her head. For the first time in a long time, Dina reaches out and touches Ellie. Her heart beating so loudly in her ears she feels like it is going to jump out of her throat. This is real. Ellie is here. Ellie is alive. Ellie is here.</p><p>Dina doesn’t know how she feels, but there’s something twisting her gut and burning her from the inside. Dina grips Ellie’s arms, all lean muscle and nothing else, and she pushes Ellie against the counter. Ellie follows, she seems to barely notice as Dina takes her pack off her shoulders and peers at Ellie’s lowered face.</p><p>“One step at a time,” Dina mumbles to herself quietly.</p><p>Dina cleans Ellie up, eyes scanning and cataloguing every inch of her. Sunken cheeks, deep scratches on her face, a half open and half sewn laceration on the side of Ellie’s neck, the torn left sleeve of shirt hanging over a new bite mark on Ellie’s left shoulder that looks completely untreated.</p><p>Ellie hisses as she moves with Dina to shrug off her short-sleeve denim shirt, so deeply sun bleached and covered in dry blood it barely reminds Dina of their travels through Seattle. With view of Ellie’s right bandaged shoulder, bleed peeking through the dirty cloth, and Ellie heavily favouring her right side, Dina cuts the bottom of her dirt brown singlet and rips the front of the shirt.</p><p>Ellie has a jagged scar on the right side of her abdomen, a motley of bruises across her torso, several deep and dark, others yellowing and vibrant.</p><p>Ellie is somehow thinner than she looked, gaunt and a shell of her former self. When Dina presses her palms solidly and searchingly against Ellie’s ribs to check for breaks, Ellie’s eyes snap up to meet Dina’s. They are unrelentingly remorseful and full of pain. Dina looks away quickly, looking down and seeing her bracelet from so long ago still wrapped around Ellie’s right wrist.</p><p>A knock at the doorway startles Dina but Ellie doesn’t seem to notice, too focused on watching her, now that she has given herself permission. Maria smiles gently at Dina, “I’ve brought some fresh clothes and what the clinic could spare. I’m here if or when you need me. Do you want me to…?” Maria trails off, eyes flickering between Ellie and Dina and gestures upstairs towards JJ’s room.   </p><p>Dina nods, thankful but unable to speak. She tries to refocus, biting her lip as she listens to Maria collecting JJ and leaving quietly.</p><p>Ellie looks down and as her lips begin to tremble, Dina turns and runs her shower. Feeling the change in water temperature carefully for a happy medium. She turns back and bends down to slowly remove Ellie’s boots and her tattered jeans. Once Ellie is completely bare, trembling from either the cold or from fear, Dina slips her own shoes off and leads them into the shower. Ellie smells deeply of dust and of iron.</p><p>Dina is dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and drenched within seconds, her clothes feel heavy on her frame. Ellie is naked and raw in more ways than one yet Dina somehow feels more vulnerable.</p><p>Ellie’s hands are clasped together, twisting, and curling in front of her stomach as she breathes unevenly. Dina slowly washes Ellie’s body, watching as the water changes from a dark rust to clear again. Ellie’s bruises seem to only get brighter in the half-lit bathroom. Dirt washing away to reveal scrapes and small cuts along Ellie’s torso. Dina ignores the healing bite on Ellie’s right calf. Dina takes her time washing Ellie’s hair, it is longer now – just resting on Ellie’s shoulders. When she finishes, running her fingers across Ellie’s scalp and through her hair one more time, Dina is standing behind Ellie. Her front is mere inches from Ellie’s back, and she allows herself to rest her head against the back of Ellie’s neck. Dina’s lips brush the back of Ellie’s neck, both women shudder at the contact.</p><p> </p><p>Dina sighs and steps back, turning the water off and reaching for a towel to wrap around Ellie’s trembling body. “One moment,” she murmurs as she reaches for a towel for herself and leaves. She returns a minute later in fresh clothes, her wet hair now in a fresh ponytail, water droplets still sliding down her neck.</p><p>Ellie has not moved.</p><p>Dina disinfects and dresses Ellie’s wounds as the timid girl sits on the edge of the bathtub. Dina ignores Ellie’s left hand until she cannot any longer. She holds it gently, surveying the unevenness of the stumps and how tender the skin looks. It is only then that she notices the last bite, the fourth bite… although who knows what order Ellie was torn apart in. It wraps around the side of Ellie’s hand, deep crescent marks along her palm and the back of her hand. Dina does not want to think about how many extra chances Ellie got to return to her. How many times Dina could have lost Ellie before now, or the potential reality where she never met her.</p><p>She helps Ellie into the clothes Maria brought – soft, dark grey pyjama pants that would have been Ellie’s size before but now hang off her frame, coupled by a soft, white t-shirt and, after a brief pause, a large grey zip hoodie because Ellie wouldn’t stop shaking. Dina leads her to the couch, getting Ellie to sit up so Dina can slowly brush the knots out of her hair. Dina can almost hear Ellie thinking, knowing that the other girl is longing for her to say something, but also revelling in the affection she’s receiving. Dina brushes Ellie’s hair longer than she needs to, they both know this.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Ellie all but whimpers. Her voice is deeper, scratchier than before as it breaks the silence between them.</p><p>Dina falters. She puts the brush down.</p><p>“Good.”</p><p>A moment passes.</p><p>“You should be really <strong> fucking </strong> sorry,” Dina says quietly.</p><p>Ellie is a bundle of raw nerve endings, her lips forming the beginning of words but not fully shaping them.</p><p>“I know,” Ellie breathes out.</p><p>Nothing else is said. For now. Dina disappears and brings back a pillow for Ellie, and helps her to lie on her better side, Ellie’s back against the back of the couch. Dina kneels, looking into Ellie’s tired eyes and reaches out to trail her fingertips down the side of Ellie’s face, crossing the deep scratch marks and rubbing her thumb softly against Ellie’s cheek as she cups Ellie’s jaw.</p><p>Ellie’s eyes are struggling to stay open, while Dina’s are tearing up. Dina leans in and presses a soft kiss on Ellie’s forehead before standing to walk away. When she returns to cover Ellie with a soft blanket, the other girl is asleep.</p><p>--</p><p>Dina sits in the armchair across from the couch for a long time, just watching Ellie breathing. Ellie is real, Ellie is alive, Ellie is here.</p><p>Dina wrestles with her anger. She feels like she is boiling. </p><p>Ellie walked out on her and on JJ. On their son. On Dina’s son. On <strong> their </strong> son.</p><p>They had escaped the hell hole that was Seattle, the hell that was losing Jesse and almost losing their lives to Abby. And the whole time, piece by piece, Ellie was still slipping away from her.</p><p>--</p><p>She remembers the night that Ellie returned to her, their second day in Seattle, that wretched city. The way Ellie said, “I made her talk.”</p><p>How broken and fractured she was.</p><p>How fragile she sounded when she said she was scared to lose Dina.</p><p>How she had replied good, and how long she held Ellie afterwards.</p><p>--                                                                                    	</p><p>Dina thinks about the farmhouse, about the quiet life they had started to build together.</p><p>As much as she wanted Ellie to be okay, to heal, she knew that Ellie wasn’t okay.</p><p>Ellie’s PTSD and her fear were rotting her from the inside out. They had many moments of happiness together but Ellie’s panic attacks did not fade in frequency or severity over time.</p><p>The day that Tommy came was inevitable, in some shape or form.</p><p>Dina hated Tommy for so long after that day.</p><p>--</p><p>“I love you-”, Ellie had started to say.</p><p>“So, prove it,” Dina said, “Stay.”</p><p>It was a plea.</p><p>“I can’t.”</p><p>And Ellie left her.</p><p>--</p><p>Tommy might never stop hating himself. It took him a long time to show up at Dina’s house when she moved back to Jackson. He sat on the porch outside quietly for a long time before Dina noticed.</p><p>“I’m so sorry, Dina,” Tommy had said. “I let my rage consume me, but Joel would have never wanted Ellie to risk herself for this. I am a broken man and it was cruel of me to say what I did to her. I don’t care about getting even anymore, I just want Ellie to return.”</p><p>It took him a long time to get through those words, crying and taking deep breaths to try to keep his voice some semblance of even. Dina just watched him with tired eyes.</p><p>They had looked at each other for a long time, and without speaking they went their separate ways that night. The weeks following Tommy slowly stopped drinking, spent more time at Joel’s grave, started reading, doing manual labour to help in the community again, and eventually made his way back to Maria’s side.</p><p>--</p><p>At some point, when the light starts to shift in the room with the setting sun, Dina goes through Ellie’s pack. A bow, two arrows, a cracked machete, a pistol with one bullet, and her rifle. Empty. No food, only blood-soaked bandages, two burnt matches and half a bottle of murky water.</p><p>And, of course, her journal.</p><p>Dina flips through it, she knows she cannot stop herself so she doesn’t try. </p><p>Drawings she recognises slowly fade into new ones, repeated drawings of her and of JJ. So many drawings of JJ.</p><p>
  <em>“Still in this fucking basement. The batteries in my flashlight are almost done. The dark is fucking with me. I keep seeing him. Smelling iron. I miss Dina. I miss Potato. What am I doing here?”</em>
</p><p>She consumes every word.</p><p>Feeling each broken line of poetry deeply in her chest.</p><p>
  <em>“would it have been better if I’d stayed?<br/>
Swallow up the <s> regret </s> <s> sad </s> shame,<br/>
Given them what’s left of me?<br/>
<s> Was it mine to give? </s><br/>
Do I still have it to give?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Can I offer the scraps now?<br/>
Gristle and bone chewed up and rotting.<br/>
Or will it make them sick;<br/>
Corrode their insides, <s> cripple </s> poison them?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I could be in the woods<br/>
Buried for the insects to clean,<br/>
Left for the insects to clean,<br/>
Until the iron smell is gone,<br/>
Until I’m bleached and <s> beautiful </s> brittle;<br/>
Ready to display.”</em>
</p><p>A soft drawing of Dina and JJ is below her words. A smile curling Dina’s lips as she holds JJ.</p><p>Dina feels sick to her stomach. Her shaking hands put the journal away as the words rattle around her head, <em> “gristle and bone chewed up and rotting… will it make them sick; corrode their insides, poison them?”</em></p><p>“Jesus Christ, Ellie,” Dina whispers.</p><p>--</p><p>At some point there is a quiet knock on her front door. She stands stiffly, unsure how long she has watched Ellie but the sky has darkened and she turns on a lamp for Ellie as she goes. She doesn’t want to leave her in the dark.</p><p>Before Dina reaches the front door, Maria lets herself in. Dina falls into Maria’s arms. “She’s so small,” Dina says quietly. Dina looks up eventually and sees Tommy standing outside the doorway, holding a sleeping JJ to his chest.</p><p>She smiles and takes JJ carefully, Tommy placing a comforting hand on her shoulder.</p><p>“Can I see her?” Tommy asks.</p><p>Dina nods her head towards the lounge room, and Tommy slips away as Dina makes her way to the kitchen with Maria. She cradles JJ close to her as Maria unpacks several bags.</p><p>“I’ve brought you some food, have you eaten?” Maria asks.</p><p>They talk for some time, mainly around the topic they are both thinking about.</p><p>Maria tells her that Ellie needs to eat when she wakes up as she likely hasn’t for some time, and to stick with soups until Dina knows Ellie can keep something solid down. She offers to take care of JJ for a few days but Dina can’t bear to let him go when she feels this vulnerable.</p><p>“Thank you for today,” Dina says to Maria as she’s putting her coat on to leave. Tommy has made his way back to them, looking more settled now that he’s seen Ellie.</p><p>Maria looks at Dina carefully, before saying, “You know I can take Ellie off your hands. She doesn’t need to stay here.”</p><p>“She does,” Dina says quietly.</p><p>Maria nods, and she and Tommy leave.</p><p>--</p><p>Dina puts JJ in his crib to sleep and returns to her post watching Ellie. At several points throughout the night Ellie begins to stir, she sweats, mumbling in her sleep, her face scrunching up as she whimpers. Each time Dina strokes her hair until she calms.</p><p>Eventually Dina goes upstairs and falls asleep, she leaves a lamp on and Ollie, one of JJ’s toys, next to Ellie so she won’t be alone.</p><p>--</p><p>Dina wakes to JJ talking to himself. She changes and dresses him, takes him downstairs to breakfast before it really hits her that Ellie is downstairs.</p><p>Peering into the lounge room she sees that Ellie is still sleeping, the taller girl was exhausted. Dina feeds JJ, bouncing him on her hip afterwards as she munches on some toast trying to calm her stomach.</p><p>--</p><p>At some point in the morning, Jesse’s mother Susan drops by to pick up JJ. She was meant to be taking care of him today while Dina had a shift at the clinic.</p><p>Apparently, her shifts for the next week have been covered.</p><p>--</p><p>Around 2pm Dina realises that Ellie is awake. She definitely wasn’t an hour before, but this time when Dina walks past she realises Ellie’s eyes are open. She is curled up on her side, clutching Ollie now, her face wet with tears and her breathing irregular.</p><p>She’s on the verge of a panic attack.</p><p>Dina sits on the ground beside the couch, her legs curled up beneath her as she looks at Ellie. Ellie lets out a sob as she sees her. She shuts her eyes, tears leaking out as Dina gently wipes her cheeks.</p><p>Dina takes Ellie’s right hand, fingers brushing delicately over her bracelet, as she places Ellie’s hand on her chest above her heart. “Breathe with me,” she says softly.</p><p>For a moment it seems like Ellie didn’t hear her, was too gone to understand, but slowly she begins to calm. Her hurried and irregular breaths slow.</p><p>“I… am so sorry,” Ellie says eventually. Dina watches her, waiting for something she doesn’t know she wants.</p><p>“I didn’t do it,” she whimpers. “I could have, I found her, I made her fight me, but… but… when the moment came and I held her under the water I realised it didn’t matter.”</p><p>“I lost everything to get to a fight where I didn’t really know if I wanted to kill her or I wanted her to kill me.” Ellie’s voice is scratchy.</p><p>“She just wanted to protect that boy.” It seems to break on every third word.</p><p>“I let her go.” Ellie doesn’t open her eyes.</p><p>“I couldn’t do it.”</p><p>“I thought I couldn’t forgive Joel for what he took from me… but in that moment, I knew killing her wouldn’t bring him back, and it wouldn’t have made me a person again.”</p><p>“I don’t feel real anymore.”</p><p>“You and JJ,” her voice cracks on his name, “Are the most important things in the world to me. Every step I took away from you was like choosing to lose myself more and thinking I could return.”</p><p>“I felt like I couldn’t stay at the farm and I needed to continue because I needed that pain to be put behind me. I needed the pain, the fear, the panic attacks to mean something. To not have failed Joel like I did-”</p><p>“You didn’t fail-”, Dina begins to say.</p><p>“Killing her wouldn’t have made me any better,” Ellie continues, looking at Dina again.</p><p>“I should have stayed with you. When I had some semblance of something to give you. I… I honestly didn’t think I’d make it this far. I don’t deserve to be here.”</p><p>A sob wracks through Dina’s chest.</p><p>“I should have died in Santa Barbara, from Abby, or the Rattlers, or in Seattle from Abby, or the wolves or scars… when my mask cracked with you in the sewers, or from the Fireflies, or with Riley. I can’t move past it. I should have died a million times before today.” Tears are streaming down Dina’s face, she moves her trembling hands to cradle Ellie’s face.</p><p>“I should be dead, with Riley,” Ellie says, eyes still shut, the edges of her lips curling.</p><p>“We were going to be all poetic and lose our minds together,” Ellie opens her eyes, looking at Dina pleadingly to understand. “I’m still waiting for my turn…”</p><p>Dina doesn’t break eye contact with Ellie, releasing a shuddering breath she didn’t know how long she was holding. Her lungs are screaming.</p><p>Silence.</p><p>“I shouldn’t be here,” Ellie says. </p><p>Silence.</p><p>Dina is grinding her teeth, she manages to get out, “Why did you come back?”</p><p>Ellie looks at her carefully, “I went to the farmhouse,” she says. “I needed to know you and JJ were safe.”</p><p>“We are,” Dina says bitterly, “No thanks to you.”</p><p>“I know,” Ellie replies.</p><p>“I couldn’t stay there… it hurt too much to be surrounded by… parts of you,” Dina says softening. “JJ kept looking for you…”</p><p>Dina isn’t sure if she hurts more in this moment, or the moment that Ellie left.</p><p>“I hate you,” Dina tells her. Her voice shakes on the word hate, her eyes staring at Ellie searchingly, hands cupping Ellie’s face, thumbs stroking her cheeks, one tracing over her lips.</p><p>Ellie just looks at her, defeated and battered. As she begins to open her mouth to reply, Dina leans forward and presses their lips together.</p><p>She tastes of salt.</p><p>Dina kisses her thoroughly and with purpose. Trying to quell the mounting ice and fire in her veins.</p><p>They finally part, Ellie’s eyes are shut, eyebrows scrunched together, “I-I don’t?”</p><p>Dina licks her lips and sits back, looking at Ellie with a critical eye.</p><p>After several moments, “Get up,” Dina almost barks, standing and going to the kitchen, ignoring Ellie as she follows her.</p><p>“Sit,” she says when Ellie hovers at the edge of the room, and when she places a hot bowl of soup and two slices of bread on the table, “Eat.”</p><p>Ellie obeys.</p><p>--</p><p>After she eats, Dina sends Ellie for a shower, redoes the bandages that need it and forces her to take some anti-inflammatories. Ellie looks like she’s going to protest, but each time Dina raises one eyebrow and Ellie acquiesces.</p><p>Afterwards, Dina leads Ellie back to the couch and turns on a crackling TV in front of her. She puts on a DVD, a quiet movie that used to be a favourite of theirs, volume barely audible and tucks Ellie in. “I’m not-”, Ellie begins to say but then she quiets. She stares at the photo of her and Joel in the corner until she falls asleep twenty minutes later.</p><p>--</p><p>As she sleeps Dina leaves to speak with Tommy, requesting a bed to be added to the empty downstairs room in her house and Ellie’s things from the farmhouse be brought to Dina’s house when possible. Tommy and James, Jesse’s father, manage to hit two walls when carrying in the new bed frame but Ellie doesn’t stir despite the volume.</p><p>They offer to move Ellie but Dina declines.</p><p>--</p><p>Ellie wakes around dinner, Dina making her eat again knowing Ellie won’t argue.</p><p>They sit across from each other at the dinner table, Ellie eating slowly and Dina watching her. A quiet knock interrupts them which Ellie ignores until Dina returns with JJ.</p><p>Dina can see Ellie’s hands flexing, her eyes looking at him so softly. “Finish eating,” Dina tells her before leaving to give JJ his bath.</p><p>When she comes back downstairs, Ellie is sitting on the couch, hunched over her journal. “Did you… Did you read this?” She asks Dina quietly, her fingertips tracing tear stains on the page that Dina knows belong to her.</p><p>“Yes,” Dina replies.</p><p>“Okay,” Ellie nods, looking up to say, “That’s fair.”</p><p>Dina walks closer and holds out JJ to her, his gummy smile widening when he sees Ellie. Ellie drops her journal and falters reaching for him with doubt evident in her eyes. “What?” She murmurs looking at Dina, before changing her focus to taking a sleepy and warm JJ. She cradles him carefully, leaning back against the couch completely enamoured with him. Dina’s heart hurts looking at the sight, Ellie’s eyes are so soft and full of hope looking at him.</p><p>She puts a movie on, turning the volume up slightly this time and tries to ignore Ellie as she sits beside her to focus on Back to the Future. Dina had seen this movie before, countless times, and yet she could barely understand it right now. When the credits roll, Dina picks up a sleeping JJ from a quiet Ellie and puts him to bed.</p><p>Coming back downstairs she finds Ellie crying silently on the couch, Ellie flushes when she notices Dina returned.</p><p>“T-thank you,” Ellie says, sniffing, “I… I didn’t deserve that.”</p><p>“You did,” Dina says quietly, she takes Ellie’s hand and leads her to the now sparsely furnished spare room. A small bed with a warm blanket, and a small dim lamp that casts a glow in the room.</p><p>Dina helps Ellie take off her hoodie and sits on the bed once Ellie is lying down. Ellie looks up at her, “He’s so big.”</p><p>“And he’ll only get bigger,” Dina says with a soft smile. “He still hasn’t said his first words yet, even though he’s ‘meant to’ by this age, but I think he’s close and there’s nothing to worry about.” She looks away from Ellie, down at her hands, “He’s going to be two in three months’ time. He’s walking… and smiling and laughing and he’s so… smart, and so… <strong> beautiful.” </strong></p><p>“He really is,” Ellie says quietly, a hand reaching out softly to touch Dina’s. The first touch she initiates and it fills Dina’s stomach with butterflies. Butterflies that burn when she sees it’s Ellie’s left hand – or what remains of it.</p><p>Ellie begins to move her hand away seeing Dina’s expression change, but Dina grabs it tightly, almost painfully and looks at Ellie. “He’s going to start talking, Ellie,” she says in a measured tone. Ellie nods, almost confused, “He’s going to start talking, and climbing, and running, and he’s going to tell stupid jokes, and ask every question under the sun, he’s going to grow, and think, and feel,” Dina’s voice cracks.</p><p>“There is so much that could be,” Dina begins, faltering, she changes, “He’s going to grow up, from a little baby into a little boy and then get bigger and bigger until he’s a man.”</p><p>“Don’t you want to see that?” Dina asks Ellie quietly, clutching her injured hand with both of hers, eyes shining.</p><p>“I do,” Ellie admits. “I do.”</p><p>“You shouldn’t have left us,” Dina says.</p><p>Ellie just looks at her. “I know.”</p><p>“I had to leave,” Dina whispered, “I couldn’t bear to be there.”</p><p>Ellie nods solemnly.</p><p>Silence.</p><p>“You’re right, you know,” Dina says, letting go of Ellie’s hands.</p><p>“What do you-” Ellie begins to ask.</p><p>“You should have died a million times before today, maybe a long time ago when you first got bit,” Dina pauses, “But you didn’t. You’re here. You just need to work out if you want to keep living.”</p><p>Ellie looks at Dina deeply.</p><p>A moment passes in their stares.</p><p>“I… do,” Ellie says softly.</p><p>“You don’t seem sure about that,” Dina says with a soft smile.</p><p>“I… I don’t know how I got here,” Ellie mutters, looking around, hands fidgeting above the covers, her right hand holding her left. “I… I didn’t see things going this way. Getting to hold him… t-to touch you…”</p><p>“Well, this is the hand that you were dealt,” Dina tells her. “What are you going to do with it?”</p><p>“Whatever you want me to do.”</p><p>Dina places her hands on top of Ellie’s, stilling them, she leans in carefully, eyes cautious, and presses her lips to Ellie’s. Ellie is completely still, eyes wide, after a moment Ellie kisses Dina back.</p><p>It is soft, chaste, and sweet. Ellie’s head is swimming.</p><p>Dina pulls back a fraction and whispers against Ellie’s lips, “I want you to try.”</p><p>She tucks Ellie in and leaves her to her thoughts.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Gracefully beta'd by onlytime1 and frogharpy on Tumblr.<br/>My Tumblr user: respectablesentiment</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Days pass.</p>
<p>Ellie is timid and cautious in a way that she’s never been before.</p>
<p>She cherishes every moment of closeness she gets with JJ. Every moment she gets with Dina.</p>
<p>She drifts quietly through the lower level of the house. She eats what is placed in front of her. She huddles in bed at night, scribbling and scratching out lines of poetry in her journal in the dim lighting. Sometimes she just stares at the tear stained pages and thinks of Dina until she can’t keep her eyes open anymore.</p>
<p>She holds JJ breathlessly on the couch sitting beside Dina most nights. He is always reaching for her, and each time when Ellie looks to Dina to ask for permission she is always given it.</p>
<p>She does not leave the house.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>It is early morning the following week when Ellie first steps outside. The sun is just on the horizon, the whole world seems to be shades of blue.</p>
<p>She walks aimlessly for a long time, no real plan or place to be.</p>
<p>It is early, but she can feel that those who notice her are staring.</p>
<p>The sun is in the sky by the time she returns, pushing open the gate before noticing Tommy sitting on Dina’s porch.</p>
<p>Ellie sits next to him. Not touching but close. Her hands shake as she shoves them into her hoodie pocket. Her heart is in her throat.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, kiddo,” Tommy tells her, his voice thick with tears.</p>
<p>She breaks. Sobbing. Crying. Feeling.</p>
<p>He wraps his arms around her as she clings to his shirt and buries her face in his chest.</p>
<p>He smells so much like Joel it is almost cruel.</p>
<p>“I shouldn’t have said that to you,” Tommy whispers into her hair, kissing her head.</p>
<p>“I- I didn’t do it-,” Ellie sobs.</p>
<p>“You came home,” Tommy says, “That’s what he would have wanted… That’s all that matters.”</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Dina keeps Tommy at a distance, her chest still holding the smouldering remains of anger towards him pushing Ellie from her. But she cannot deny that watching them on the porch gives her hope.</p>
<p>After a quiet breakfast, while Ellie is showering, Dina helps Tommy move a desk into Ellie’s room, a small paint-flecked stool, and the belongings that Tommy had brought back from the farmhouse. The case of Joel’s guitar sits heavily on the desk when she closes the door to the room.</p>
<p>Ellie retreats to her room following her shower, Dina can <strong> feel </strong> Ellie pause when she opens her door and sees it. Ellie closes the door behind her and does not emerge until the late afternoon.</p>
<p>Ellie finds her in the kitchen, Dina turns the burner off as she approaches. She turns to face Ellie, an apology on her lips for overstepping but Ellie’s eyes make her pause. They are red-tinged and pleading, “Can I…” Ellie falters, “Can I hug you, please?”</p>
<p>Dina is quick to respond, wrapping her arms tightly around Ellie as the girl clings to her, Ellie’s face tucked into Dina’s neck. They hold each other for a long time, Dina focusing on how small and thin Ellie still is, pressing herself as close as she can to the other girl.</p>
<p>Ellie’s hands are gently holding Dina’s hips. They make her <strong> ache. </strong></p>
<p>Nuzzling into Ellie’s neck, Dina cannot stop herself – she presses kiss upon kiss up Ellie’s neck, tasting the salt of her tears as she rubs her cheek against Ellie’s. She presses a kiss to Ellie’s cheek, lingering, before pressing another to her lips.</p>
<p>“I love you,” Ellie breathes, fingers tensing and squeezing Dina’s hips.</p>
<p>Dina’s knees feel weak.</p>
<p>“I know,” Dina replies shakily.</p>
<p>She takes a breath and leans back, arms still around Ellie, “I… um… I’m gonna take a shower,” Dina tells her. Ellie nods, wrapping her arms around herself as Dina presses another kiss Ellie’s cheek and slowly heads upstairs.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>They restring Ellie’s guitar a couple days later to be left-handed. Ellie does not play in front of Dina, but occasionally Dina can hear chords distantly from behind Ellie’s door. She doesn’t know how it makes her feel.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>It has been nine days since Ellie walked into Dina’s yard, and Dina is going to go back to work. Maria didn’t argue with her on it. On the day after Ellie’s conversation with Tommy, and her and Dina’s embrace in the kitchen, is when Dina tells her.</p>
<p>“I’ve got a shift at the clinic tomorrow,” Dina says quietly. They’re sitting on the couch, watching some animated movie that JJ likes, he’s bouncing in Ellie’s lap, JJ’s back pressed against Ellie’s front, eyes wide and focused on the screen, Ollie held loosely in one fist.</p>
<p>Ellie’s bouncing knees pause for a moment before she continues when JJ squeals.</p>
<p>They have spent a lot of time hovering around each other since she had returned, Ellie taking whatever scraps of affection she can get and slowly recuperating. She has gained a noticeable bit of weight since her return, but she’s still too thin. Dina comes and goes as she pleases but she is never gone for very long.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Ellie replies, “You keen to get back?”</p>
<p>Dina smiles, their sides are touching and the warmth of Ellie’s thigh against hers feels nice. She shifts closer, resting her head on Ellie’s shoulder as she watches the TV, “Yeah, I want to keep contributing.”</p>
<p>Ellie nods and they leave it at that.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Dina never enters Ellie’s room, but she sees glimpses of it when Ellie occasionally leaves the door ajar.</p>
<p>There are lots of drawings. An increasing amount.</p>
<p>Mostly of her and JJ. Several of the farmhouse.</p>
<p>She could swear she saw one of Joel smiling, his eyes no longer crossed out like so many versions of him in Ellie’s journal.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Two weeks pass.</p>
<p>Dina comes home to an empty house. She can tell as soon as she enters that Ellie isn’t home.</p>
<p>The door to Ellie’s room is ajar, the house quiet. Susan, Jesse’s mother, has JJ today like most days when Dina has a shift.</p>
<p>Dina’s heart is pounding but she knows she should leave it. Maybe Ellie is out with Tommy.</p>
<p>She cannot help but briefly check Ellie’s room, her eyes sting when she sees Ellie’s bag is missing.</p>
<p>Dina takes a deep breath; Ellie is just out right now.</p>
<p>Ellie being out is a good thing.</p>
<p>She cracks open a bottle of whiskey and sits in the kitchen, light slowly fading as she drinks, sipping slowly.</p>
<p>By the time Ellie returns, the bottle is half empty.</p>
<p>“Dina, hey,” Ellie says cautiously, “How was your shift?”</p>
<p>She places her pack in the corner and drops into the chair across from Dina, her eyes on the whiskey.</p>
<p>“Where were you?” Dina asks, ignoring her question. Dina traces the smear of dirt against Ellie’s cheek with her eyes.</p>
<p>“I asked Maria to give me some work,” Ellie replies. “I, uh,” she hesitates, “I wanted to contribute again… I was in the stables,” she offers weakly.</p>
<p>Dina nods, she tips back the rest of her drink and stands wobbly. She doesn’t say anything to Ellie but she cries in the shower that night.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Dina notices the bottle was put away the next morning, still half empty, the kitchen now tidy.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Ellie starts leaving her notes. Dina doesn’t notice at first because Ellie seems to be home before her most days, but if she comes home for lunch she finds them in the front hall. She doesn’t touch them, and they always disappear by the time she comes home and Ellie has returned.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Working in the back fields, will be home by 4 – Ellie” </em>
</p>
<p><em>“Working in the stables, will be home by 3 – Ellie” </em> </p>
<p>She always says where she is and when she will return, and she never stays out as late as the first day. Like she knows how Dina felt coming home to an empty house.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Dina is restless at night, in her bed thinking about Ellie downstairs.</p>
<p>Does she still have nightmares?</p>
<p>Does she still have her panic attacks?</p>
<p>What does Dina not see?</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>“They, um,” Ellie falters, playing with her fingers as she stands in front of Dina.</p>
<p>Dina has just come in for the day, JJ on her hip and a bag with some groceries for tonight’s dinner in her other hand. She pauses and waits for Ellie to finish, trying to ignore how JJ reaches for Ellie.</p>
<p>“They want me to go on a supply run tomorrow,” Ellie says nervously, the words coming out in a rush now. She looks worried.</p>
<p>Dina swallows, handing JJ to Ellie and heading to the kitchen to unpack. “And are you going?” Dina asks her, her back to Ellie.</p>
<p>“I told them I’d ask you,” Ellie said softly.</p>
<p>Dina scoffs, and does not reply.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Ellie goes on the supply run the next day.</p>
<p>She is gone before Dina wakes, the note in the hallway tells Dina that she should be home before sunset.</p>
<p>Dina does not find out until midday that Ellie was on the supply run alone.</p>
<p>Apparently because Ellie cannot get infected, she doesn’t ‘need’ a partner.</p>
<p>Dina thinks that’s bullshit.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Ellie comes back on time. Dina is upstairs, lying in bed with a sleeping JJ on her chest. She hears the creak of the door, and Ellie’s steps as she enters.</p>
<p>Dina waits as long as she can before carefully lifting JJ, putting him down in his crib and going downstairs.</p>
<p>She finds Ellie sitting in the kitchen, she has taken out Dina’s bottle of whiskey but it sits in front of her untouched. Dina takes the empty glass from Ellie’s hands and carefully pours two fingers. She looks at Ellie and sips the drink, sitting down across from her.</p>
<p>Ellie’s lips curl.  </p>
<p>“Talk to me,” Dina tells her.</p>
<p>Ellie talks for a long time. She starts with the supply run, the Infected she encountered, the panic in her chest and the spoils she brought back for the town.</p>
<p>Then she tells Dina about Joel. Things that Dina already knew, like the trip to the museum for her birthday or the bloater they fought when trying to get guitar strings. Ellie talks about things Dina knew the rough edges of, bits and pieces from Ellie’s ramblings and nightmares years before. About the Fireflies, Joel’s actions, and the distance between them. Ellie tells Dina what happened the night before Joel died, her eyes watering.</p>
<p>At some point Dina pours another drink and pushes the glass toward Ellie.</p>
<p>Dina stares at the glass, sitting untouched, as Ellie tells her about Santa Barbara. From the route she took, the places she was ambushed and alone, the trap that gave her the twisted scar on her abdomen, the Rattlers, and finally Abby.</p>
<p>The scar on Dina’s shoulder aches, and she fights the urge to rub it.</p>
<p>“I wanted to forgive him, I wanted to try, and then it was all ripped away from me,” Ellie says shakily. “I kept thinking of him, on the ground, hurting, but when I finally had her under the water, and I could feel how close she was to death… I just kept thinking about that night with Joel and how he said he’d do it all over again…”</p>
<p>“Save me,” Ellie whispers brokenly, eyes flicking up to meet Dina’s.</p>
<p>“She didn’t want to fight me, she just wanted to save that boy…” Ellie continues, “It’s like we were both ghosts, and I knew killing her wouldn’t make me real, or bring Joel back, or change how he and I left things… or how I left you…”</p>
<p>Dina grabs the glass and downs the whiskey, barely feeling the burn in her throat over the blood rushing in her ears.</p>
<p>“I’ve made a lot of bad decisions,” Ellie says softly.</p>
<p>“I want that in writing,” Dina shoots back bitterly.</p>
<p>Ellie chuckles and meets Dina’s eyes.</p>
<p>They sit in silence for some time, just watching each other.</p>
<p>Ellie rubs at her tired eyes, “I’m trying.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Dina replies, reaching out to take Ellie’s hands in hers. “That’s good.”</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Dina wakes that night, panic heavy on her chest. She dreamt of their first day in Seattle, how her heart had dropped through her chest when she saw the splinters and cracks in Ellie’s gas mask.</p>
<p>The fear that chilled her bones when Ellie took her mask off, pushing Dina back and grasping her wrists to stop her from trying to help.</p>
<p>For a moment… Ellie breathed the spores… until she was coughing, and coughing, and coughing. Her veins turning black…</p>
<p>Dina tries to calm her racing heart, hand on her chest. She lays in the dark staring up at the ceiling trying to focus on Ellie being back. Without thinking she reached out her right hand to Ellie’s side of the bed but the taller girl wasn’t there.</p>
<p>Dina had been sleeping alone for six months and yet she still reached for Ellie.</p>
<p>Eventually Dina gets up and walks carefully downstairs and to Ellie’s room. She stands in the doorway watching Ellie’s chest move as she lies on her side. Her heart slowly calms.</p>
<p>“Are you watching me sleep?” A tired but amused voice asks her, startling her for a moment.</p>
<p>“Maybe,” Dina replies.</p>
<p>“You’re a bit weird.”</p>
<p>“Please,” Dina scoffs, walking further into the room, faking confidence, “You love it.”</p>
<p>“I do…”</p>
<p>“Scoot,” Dina tells her, waiting for the other girl to shift over in the single bed before joining her. The girls lay on their sides, facing each other, pressed together out of necessity in the small bed, legs tangled together. “This okay?” Dina asks softly.</p>
<p>“Yeah…”</p>
<p>Dina falls asleep to Ellie stroking her hair gently.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Ellie does not go back to sleep that night. Instead, she traces soft patterns in the small of Dina’s back, rubs the scar above Dina’s hip bone from the time she fell on her knife, and focuses on the warmth of the other girl against her. At some point, when Dina begins to wake, the smaller girl hums at the affection. Ellie’s heart feels heavy and full.</p>
<p>Ellie tries not to tense, stilling her movement as Dina stirs.</p>
<p>“That felt nice,” Dina mutters into Ellie's neck, stretching impossibly closer, a hand dipping under Ellie’s shirt to splay across her ribs.</p>
<p>Ellie’s hand trembles but continues to trace patterns into Dina’s side.</p>
<p>At some point a cry can be heard from JJ and Dina slowly removes herself from Ellie’s embrace. Her hair is messy, eyes still tired and soft and Ellie burns for her.</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Dina murmurs as she leaves, so softly Ellie wasn’t certain she heard it.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Ellie visits Joel’s grave that day. She tells Dina quietly over breakfast where she is going, and when Dina returns in the afternoon Ellie is not back and there is no note.</p>
<p>Dina finds her in the graveyard an hour later, knelt beside his tombstone.</p>
<p>She sits beside her until the sun has set and then slowly takes Ellie’s hand and leads her home.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>That night when Dina sneaks into Ellie’s bed, neither of them speak.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>A week passes.</p>
<p>At some point during Dina’s shift at the clinic, Maria pops by.</p>
<p>“Hey Dina,” she says warmly, “How are you holding up?”</p>
<p>“Good,” Dina says noncommittally, trying to focus on the stock count of supplies.</p>
<p>“And Ellie?”</p>
<p>“She’s doing better, I think,” Dina says more easily, “I think she gets a lot out of working and having something to do every day.”</p>
<p>Maria nods, “I imagine therapy has been good for her as well.” Dina looks at her, eyebrows knitted together in confusion. “You know,” Maria says, “It’s good to talk and get it all out there… really helps you process emotions.”</p>
<p>“Therapy?” Dina asks confused, “When did this happen?”</p>
<p>“Oh-” Maria stumbles, “-yeah, Ellie changed her work duties to start closer to noon so she could speak with Dottie Henderson most mornings. Dottie used to be a psychologist before the outbreak… that’s why Ellie’s been working so many late finishes.”</p>
<p>“Right,” Dina says unsteadily, thinking about how Ellie had slowly been working late, she nods. “Of course.”</p>
<p>“Did she not-” Maria starts to say.</p>
<p>“It’s alright,” Dina nods to herself, “Honestly out of all the shit she could be getting up to in secret, that’s pretty healthy.”</p>
<p>Dina does not think of much else for the rest of the day.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Dina does not mention it though.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>A week passes and Ellie does.</p>
<p>“I’ve been seeing someone,” Ellie starts, her cheeks tinged red, eyes focused on the TV. Dina is curled up against Ellie’s side. JJ softly snoring on Ellie’s shoulder.</p>
<p>Dina chuckles, “Should I be worried?”</p>
<p>Ellie tenses, “No, no, I meant-” She pauses, her facing turning red as Dina laughs harder, trying to be quiet for JJ as Ellie shoves her playfully. “I meant, like, therapy.”</p>
<p>Dina kisses Ellie’s arm where it meets her shoulder and rests her chin there. “And how’s that been going?”</p>
<p>“It’s hard,” Ellie huffs. “I… I don’t really enjoy it.”</p>
<p>“Does anyone?” Dina laughs, before sobering, “Y’know… I spoke to someone when I came back too.”</p>
<p>Ellie looks at her in surprise.</p>
<p>“I was so angry at you, and at the same time so full of grief,” Dina says in a small voice, “I couldn’t handle it by myself. I felt like I was mourning you… Like I was back in Seattle, closing the door behind you and waiting in the dark for a ghost to return.”</p>
<p>“I’m here now,” Ellie says quietly, her hand warm on Dina’s thigh.</p>
<p>Dina just hums and turns back to the movie, trying to calm herself.</p>
<p>“I’ve been talking to Mrs Henderson for almost two weeks,” Ellie says in a low voice, “It’s hard… but, I think it’s helping.”</p>
<p>Dina squeezes Ellie’s hand.</p>
<p>“I was selfish,” Ellie tells her, “So focused on myself, my pain, my grief… that I hurt you… I hurt you so much…”</p>
<p>Ellie’s voice is thick with tears, Dina can hear soft crying and it takes a moment to realise that she is hearing herself.</p>
<p>“I… I’m so thankful to be here… to be this close to you again,” Ellie whispers, “But…”</p>
<p>Dina’s nails are digging into Ellie’s hand.</p>
<p>“I-I d-,” Ellie stutters, “I don’t deserve another chance.”</p>
<p>Dina can feel herself grinding her teeth, jaw clenched so hard it hurts.</p>
<p>“Are you,” Ellie tries, “Are you really alright with this?”</p>
<p>“With what, Ellie?” Dina asks her sharply, her eyes flashing dangerously as she turns and takes JJ from Ellie. He stirs as she does so but she needs his comfort and she could not bear to listen to Ellie pull away while holding their son. Dina stands and attempts to bounce him on her hip as she paces the room.</p>
<p>“I… I don’t want to hurt you again,” Ellie struggles to say.</p>
<p>“I want you here, Ellie,” Dina tells her forcefully. “I wasn’t sure if I was going to kick you out on your ass or not at first, I patched you up because I needed to know you were real,” Dina’s voice breaks on the word. JJ starts to cry, his little fists rubbing at his eyes as Dina shushes him, pressing tear stained kisses to his temple. “But I want you here.”</p>
<p>“I want to be here,” Ellies replies, her eyes pleading.  </p>
<p>“So? What’s the problem?” Dina snaps, “What are we arguing about?”</p>
<p>“I…”</p>
<p>“It’s over now, you told me yourself,” Dina continues, “You walked away from Abby. She’s behind you now. You aren’t leaving again.”</p>
<p>“I don’t want to leave,” Ellie insists.</p>
<p>“Then <strong> what </strong> is your problem?” Dina hisses.</p>
<p>“I-I don’t get it,” Ellie tells her, standing quickly, “I don’t <strong> deserve </strong> your forgiveness. Why are you letting me be here?”</p>
<p>“You should be fucking thankful,” Dina tells her angrily. “I’m opening my heart to you again, and instead you’re throwing it in my face.”</p>
<p>“I just want you to be okay,” Ellie yells. JJ is crying properly now, fat tears rolling down his red cheeks as he reaches for Ellie. Ellie looks at them, JJ and Dina, her fingers twitching by her sides. “I don’t want you to feel like you’re living with a ghost,” she says quietly.</p>
<p>Dina shifts JJ so he is more on her chest, half turning away from Ellie as she tries to soothe him.</p>
<p>From memory she quotes words that have been haunting her since Ellie returned, <em> “Can I offer the scraps now?” </em>  She asks quietly, <em> “Gristle and bone chewed up and rotting…” </em> She turns back to Ellie, <em> “Or will it make them sick? Corrode their insides, poison them?”</em></p>
<p>Ellie sucks in a shuddering breath.</p>
<p>“You are who you choose to be right now, Ellie,” Dina tells her. “Eating again, working again, taking care of JJ, spending time with me… going to therapy. You’re trying and you’re so much more already than the girl who collapsed in my front yard a month ago…”</p>
<p>She moves closer to Ellie, pressing herself into her, JJ cradled between them. “You can’t make me sick, we can keep healing together, growing together,” she whispers.</p>
<p>“This isn’t a battle you can fight, Ell,” Dina says carefully, pressing her cheek against Ellie’s as the taller girl wraps her arm around them. “This is a choice… every day, to be here and to try. And it’s a choice I’m making every day too… Forgiving you is something I can do,” Dina whispers. “But at some point, you have to forgive yourself as well.”</p>
<p>Ellie is sobbing into Dina’s neck, “I love you, I love you, I love you,” she repeats brokenly, clutching Dina tightly.</p>
<p>“I know, I know,” Dina reassures her softly, “It’s okay…”</p>
<p>The moment together is harsh and painful, but it snaps something into place in both their chests. It was like resetting a broken bone that was healing incorrectly.</p>
<p>--</p>
<p>Days pass and Ellie stops hiding in her room.</p>
<p>Dina hums when she hangs the laundry.</p>
<p>Ellie stops merely responding to the world around her and starts acting.</p>
<p>She cooks for Dina, she bathes JJ, she rubs the knots out of Dina’s neck – her eyes are still uncertain, but her hands are sure and steady.</p>
<p>Dina stops creeping into Ellie’s bed in the middle of the night. She starts there, often crawling in while Ellie is in the shower. Curling into herself, finding solace in the sheets that smell like Ellie and then in Ellie’s arms.</p>
<p>Ellie still doesn’t go upstairs.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Love me some good fucking communication</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Three weeks pass.</p><p>Three, honestly beautiful weeks.</p><p>JJ is warm and sweet as ever, Ellie’s cheeks turn rosy every time Dina calls her freckles, and they hold hands a lot.</p><p>Dina feels like she is an awkward fifteen-year-old again. Ellie has been back for over two months now. She is working hard, both in therapy and her work shifts. Her frame has filled out, her appetite has definitely increased, and she seems to laugh as easily as JJ when they play together.</p><p>JJ is speaking now.</p><p>It was like he woke up one day and decided he could be loud, and he liked it.</p><p>He likes playing with his blocks, handing them one by one to Ellie until she builds him a tower he can push over.</p><p>She pushes it one time before him, laughing loudly as he chatters away, “No, no, no, no, no.”</p><p>He hands her the blocks again, pointing to insist she stack them and scrunching his face up when she pretends to not understand and lines the blocks up side by side on the carpet.</p><p>He stacks them himself instead.</p><p>Both of them look up when Dina lets out a snort, she is standing in the doorway, just coming back inside from hanging the laundry and trying to hide her laugh behind her hand.</p><p>Both of their faces light up at the sight of her, despite her being gone for ten minutes.</p><p>“Mama!” JJ screeches, arms stretching out to Dina and begging to be picked up for a cuddle.</p><p>Both girls freeze looking at him, it was the first time he said that particular word, and when Dina scoops him up she has tears in her eyes.</p><p>--</p><p>He picks up words easily from there.</p><p>One night over dinner, mashed potato smeared on his cheeks, he looks up at Dina and says, quite clearly, “Fuck.”</p><p>He doesn’t seem to know what it means.</p><p>Dina blinks and turns to Ellie.</p><p>“I uh, I’m sorry?” Ellie offers with red cheeks.</p><p>“Fuck,” he repeats, pointing beyond them to the kitchen counter.</p><p>“I didn’t, I didn’t mean to swear in front of him,” Ellie says quickly. “I-I honestly don’t know when I did…”</p><p>“Fuck,” he almost yells. Dina turns to look at the counter and sees his small plastic truck sitting there.</p><p>She licks her lips as she stands, turning her back on Ellie and trying to say in a serious tone, “I honestly cannot believe you, Ellie, that is so inappropriate.”</p><p>“Dina…” Ellie says, her tone apologetic. </p><p>Dina picks up the truck and returns to the table, wiping JJ’s hands and face with a tea towel and handing him his toy. “Honestly,” she says to Ellie, a smile on her lips, “You know I hate trucks.”</p><p>Ellie shoves her, mouthing the word ‘asshole’ as she laughs.</p><p>--</p><p>The next night at dinner JJ tells a dramatic story. His pudgy arms flinging wildly around, happily chattering away with not many distinguishable words, and he knocks a glass of water off the table.</p><p>It was sitting too close.</p><p>It smashes loudly on the ground.</p><p>JJ is startled and starts to cry.</p><p>“It’s alright, honey, it’s okay,” Dina tells him, looking quickly to check on Ellie.</p><p>Ellie’s eyes are clear, she flinched at the noise but she wasn’t lost in it…</p><p>Faster than Dina, Ellie scoops JJ out of his high chair and cradles him close in her arms, “You’re alright, spud,” she reassures him, kissing his head, “It was a pretty big sound, I know.”</p><p>Dina watches them for a moment before she starts to clean up the glass, ignoring Ellie’s offer to do so.</p><p>She thinks about it later that night in bed. Still in that tiny fucking single in Ellie’s room, ignoring the larger bed upstairs.</p><p>She thinks about the last episode Ellie had at the farm, consumed with panic triggered by the clatter of a shovel and the slam of a barn door. Dina kisses Ellie’s shoulder, snuggling closer to the sleeping girl and soaking in the warmth of their embrace. Something like the breaking glass would have set her off before but not now.</p><p>--</p><p>Their house feels so full of warmth now.</p><p>Dina has started unpacking boxes from the farm that she had tucked away.</p><p>The photo of her, Ellie and Jesse was in the front hall, and the photo of Joel and Ellie at the stables was in the lounge room. She felt, months ago when she was moving it, that she needed to see those.</p><p>But she wanted more now.</p><p>She puts the framed photo of her and Ellie as teenagers on her bedside table. Other small bits and pieces finding their way through the house. </p><p>She hangs the embroidery hoops from the farm she worked so hard on in the lounge room. She had found solace in making these at the time, and enjoyed following the lines of thread with her eyes…</p><p>Five hoops, all on white canvas: a delicate bunch of pink wild flowers, a yellow cursive D surrounded by a daisy chain, a black outline of the moth from Ellie’s tattoo, a cursive green E with two leafed ferns curling around the design, and the largest hoop with an aqua and dark blue design of a Hamsa.</p><p>She felt like she couldn’t put up Ellie’s hoop before without thinking about her walking away from their home, her own hoop felt lost without its counterpart, the moth held the same concern, and even the Hamsa, a signal of protection, had made her feel hopeless.</p><p>Dina feels anything but when she hangs the hoops up in the lounge room now.</p><p>She finds Ellie later starting at them with a wistful smile.</p><p>“See something you like, freckles?” Dina asks her, pressing her front against Ellie’s back and placing her hands on the taller girl’s hips.</p><p>“Do some decorating while I’m out?” Ellie asks with a small hum, taking Dina’s hands and wrapping them around her stomach.</p><p>“I figured it was time to unpack fully from the farm,” Dina replies, “Also… I think other people deserve to see how fucking amazing I am at embroidery.” Dina laughs, straining on her toes to press a kiss to the side of Ellie’s neck.</p><p>“I love you,” Ellie laughs, the words falling easily from her lips.</p><p>They burn in Dina’s throat.</p><p>She presses her forehead against Ellie’s back, breathing deeply.</p><p>“I’m gonna start dinner,” Ellie says softly, turning in Dina’s arms, kissing her cheek and heading to the kitchen.</p><p>Dina stares at the embroidery hoops for several long moments.</p><p>“You’re good with salmon and brussel sprout soup, right?” Ellie calls from the kitchen with a laugh.</p><p>“Ell, that’s fucking disgusting!”</p><p>--</p><p>A week later and Dina comes home to an empty house. She picked JJ up from the town’s preschool on her way home from the clinic and it is nearing 6pm.</p><p>Ellie had written that she would return from her supply run by 3pm. </p><p>Dina lasts about 10 minutes in the empty house, trying to focus on JJ before she takes him three houses down and leaves him with Jesse’s mother.</p><p>She tries to walk quickly to the gates and she’s there before she realises that she had sprinted.</p><p>Maria tries to console her, hold her back, while Tommy tries to rally people to follow him through the gates.</p><p>Dina is too busy yelling to hear what happens as Maria leads her into the small office under the watchtower.</p><p>“Just breathe,” she is told.</p><p>“We can’t just leave her out there,” Dina pleads, barely noticing in her fear people heading through the gates.</p><p>--</p><p>It is almost 3am when the gates open. Time had crawled past her.</p><p>Maria would not let Dina beyond the gates, so she sat in the watchtower with tired eyes focused on the tree line for <strong> hours. </strong></p><p>Ellie was fine. They kept telling her that but she could barely believe it.</p><p>Ten people had left for her, a girl they wanted to shoot on sight so many weeks ago.</p><p>Ten people returned with her.</p><p>Ellie is on the back of Tommy’s horse, collapsed against his back, unconscious and covered in blood. Dina clings to Ellie’s shirt when she reaches her, her hands clenched so tightly they ache as she walks with Gordon, a gruff friend of Jesse’s father, who carries Ellie to the clinic.</p><p>Ellie is fine.</p><p>None of the blood is her own.</p><p>There was no fight to rescue her from.</p><p>Just herself.</p><p>It took so long because they struggled to find her, slowly making their way through empty rooms of dropped infected.</p><p>Two bloaters, Dina heard in the whispers swarming around her, a charred pile of indistinguishable clickers and runners, and so many bodies. The fighting, maybe a yell from a bloater, had resulted in a horde swarming the abandoned mall.</p><p>Ellie was hidden in the corner of a storeroom in the basement, pressed as far as she could into the corner, hyperventilating.</p><p>Dina cleans Ellie up as best she can while Ellie stirs into consciousness, wiping the grime, blood and tear stains from her creased features. Ellie begins to panic as she comes to, Dina tries desperately to calm her, “Ellie, breathe honey, it’s okay, you’re here, you’re safe, it’s alright.”</p><p>Ellie flings herself off the table and away from Dina, blind in her panic and confusion, she doesn’t seem to hear herself screaming but others do. Maria and Tommy run back into the room as Ellie presses herself into the corner, half under a table, her hands curled into fists and chest heaving.</p><p>“Baby,” Dina cries, tears dripping down her face as she crouches in front of Ellie, “It’s okay, you’re safe, it’s alright, you’re in Jackson.”</p><p>Dina sits with her for a long time, her arms wrapped around a shaking Ellie who slowly quiets. Tommy and Maria hold themselves back, but they hover, watching closely and smiling grimly at Dina.</p><p>The sun is rising by the time Dina walks a shell-shocked Ellie home. She takes Ellie’s hand and leads her to the shower. Dina strips as well this time as she washes Ellie, she does not think she could withstand the weight of soaked clothes on her again. She watches Ellie’s hair gently, rubs her back reassuringly and holds her under the warm water for several long moments.</p><p>She helps Ellie dry herself, dresses them both in soft pyjamas and leads her upstairs and to bed. Ellie sleeps for a long time, quiet and dreamless at first, but she wakes Dina twice with her night terrors throughout the day. Dina struggles to fall back asleep the first time and stays awake after the second, holding Ellie close to her.</p><p>Ellie wakes quietly at one point in the afternoon, her stomach grumbling. Dina squeezes her tightly before leading her downstairs and fixing them some food.</p><p>--</p><p>Two quiet days pass before Ellie returns to her therapy sessions with Mrs Henderson. She is out for most of the day and comes home each time drained.</p><p>“I got lost,” Ellie says quietly one evening. “There was just so much blood, I d-didn’t know where I was and suddenly, I was back t-there…” Her voice breaks and she doesn’t need to say where she was for Dina to understand – it doesn’t matter if she meant that night at the beach in Santa Barbara, or the hospital with Nora, or the lodge outside of Jackson with the Wolves and Joel.</p><p>Dina just kisses her shoulder, holds her close and understands.</p><p>--</p><p>JJ calls Ellie ‘mama’ the next day after she comes home from therapy. Her shoulders are slumped, she looks weary and leans heavily on the door frame as she peers into the kitchen. Dina is feeding a fussy JJ who lights up at the sight of Ellie and, echoing what happened a week prior, reaches out and shrieks, “Mama!” </p><p>Ellie can’t help but smile, her eyes watering, smoothing his hair down with a soft hand and pressing kiss after kiss on his chubby cheeks. “Hey potato…”</p><p>“Can I?” Ellie asks Dina softly, taking her place and attempting to offer the small bites of food to JJ who calms and slowly manages to eat his dinner.</p><p>Dina doesn’t take long to serve herself and Ellie dinner afterwards, they eat in comfortable silence. Smiles on their lips, Ellie’s eyes linger on JJ’s little face and Dina pretends her eyes aren’t wet. </p><p>--</p><p>Ellie does not go on a supply run again.</p><p>Everyone seems to agree without telling her, and Ellie does not ever seem to ask.</p><p>Within the week Mr Henderson, John, knocks at their door and asks Ellie to help him with his work. John is in his late fifties, broad and soft spoken, he has a small carpentry shop and he builds and repairs most of the things around Jackson.</p><p>Ellie thrives with the work. It is solid and tiring and consistent.</p><p>--</p><p>“I’ve got a shift tomorrow at the clinic,” Dina tells Ellie as they eat dinner together a week later. JJ is laughing in his highchair, he had finished his food earlier and was playing with a carved and painted wooden rocket - something Ellie brought home with a blush days prior.</p><p>“Are you covering for someone?” Ellie asks her, “You normally have that day off.”</p><p>Dina nods, “Yeah, Tracy asked me because it’s her anniversary tomorrow.”</p><p>Ellie nods, thoughtful, “Is Susan taking Potato?”</p><p>“Nope.”</p><p>“Is James?” Ellie asks, referring to Jesse’s father.</p><p>“Nope,” Dina replies, popping the ‘p’.</p><p>“Maria?”</p><p>“Ellie,” Dina looks up at her, “You got this.”</p><p>Ellie looks down at JJ and back at Dina. “I-”</p><p>“You’ve taken care of him before,” Dina says teasingly, her head filled with thoughts of the farmhouse.</p><p>“I… It’s just been a while since I’ve had a whole day with him,” Ellie whispers back, talking around the fact that she hasn’t been left with JJ since she returned, “Thank you… for trusting me with him.”</p><p>“You’re his mum too,” Dina murmurs as she wipes JJ’s messy face and returns to her meal. She can feel Ellie’s eyes stay on her.</p><p>--</p><p>When Dina comes home the next night, Ellie is upstairs in JJ’s room. Dina watches her from the doorway, she’s singing to JJ softly, leaning over the railing of the crib.</p><p><em>“…needless to say,” </em> she sings, <em> “I’m odds and ends, but I’ll be stumbling away, slowly learning that life is okay.” </em></p><p>Dina’s eyes are tearing up, watching the private moment. She walks further into the room, seeing a sleeping JJ, Ellie’s fingers stroking his hair.</p><p> <em> “Say after me… it’s no better to be safe than sorry… take on me,</em>” Ellie continues. When Dina heard this song over two years ago in that Seattle music shop it was beautiful, but now and without music, she feels it in her soul.</p><p><em> “Take me on, I’ll be gooo-,</em>” before Ellie can finish the word <strong> ‘gone’, </strong> Dina presses herself against Ellie’s back. Her arms wrapping around Ellie’s sides and holding her tightly, kissing the back of Ellie’s neck gently.</p><p>“Shhhh,” Dina whispers.</p><p>Ellie turns in her arms, looking at Dina thoughtfully. Ellie holds Dina close to her, repeating an earlier verse, <em> “I don’t know what I’m to say, I’ll say it anyway, today’s another day to find you… shying away… I’ll be coming for your love, okay?</em>” She sways slowly with Dina in her arms, Ellie’s voice cracking on the final word.</p><p>Ellie caresses Dina’s cheek tenderly, looking into her eyes for permission, and kisses her. Softly.</p><p>Ellie pulls back, smiling at Dina shyly. “Is this okay?” Ellie asks her.</p><p>Dina captures her lips again, fingers trailing along Ellie's jaw, slipping her tongue into Ellie’s mouth. “No,” she mutters against her lips, “it isn’t.”</p><p>Her hands slide down Ellie’s sides, grasping at her hands and leading her from the room. She closes the door softly behind them, continuing to kiss Ellie as she tugs her into her room at the end of the hall.</p><p>Dina is caught in the way that Ellie is kissing her – slow, searching and passionate. She pushes Ellie back onto the bed and climbs on her, sliding one thigh between Ellie’s. </p><p>“Jesus fucking Christ,” Dina groaned, kissing bruises onto Ellie’s straining neck, and grinding down into Ellie. Dina kisses her hard, grasping Ellie’s nervous hands and placing them on her. Ellie whimpers as Dina sucks on the spot she knows makes her <strong> weak. </strong> </p><p>A quick bite and Ellie’s hands are now curling around Dina’s ass holding her close, hips bucking up against hers.</p><p>“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Ellie whispers softly.</p><p>Dina falters, hands already under Ellie’s shirt.</p><p>She pulls back slightly, looking at Ellie's flushed face and her wet eyes. Dina moves her thigh over Ellie’s, straddling her lap properly now and cups Ellie’s face between her hands.</p><p>“I love you,” Dina says, watching as Ellie closes her eyes and a tear runs down her cheek when Dina finally says those words.</p><p>Dina wipes it away tenderly, “I love you so much I could burst.”</p><p>Ellie sniffles.</p><p>“Hey,” Dina says softly, waiting for Ellie to open her eyes and look at her, and when she does, Dina tells her, “I <strong> never </strong> stopped loving you.”</p><p>Ellie takes a shaky breath looking at Dina, crying properly now and clinging to the smaller girl.</p><p>Dina presses another soft kiss to Ellie’s lips before hugging the other girl close to her chest. She can feel Ellie’s tears on her shoulder through the thin cotton of her shirt.</p><p>“I love you too,” Ellie whispers softly, “so much…”</p><p>“I know, baby,” Dina replies, running her fingers through Ellie’s hair and pressing a lingering kiss on her temple. “I know.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hello, thank you for reading my story. I haven't written anything in a long time, but I'm about 7k into my next Dina x Ellie fic and would appreciate any feedback.<br/>Have a lovely day :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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